Sat. Aug 24th, 2019

Stop Having Sex Out of Guilt and Shame

In the age of the #MeToo Movement where myriads of famous and influential men are being accused of sexual assault which is sex without consent; some harassers still manage to get their way under false tactics that hide behind the excuse of a woman’s consent.

Fear, Consent & Sex

My beautiful ladies, sexual assault and rape can still be consensual. There is such a thing as blackmail; and you can be the victim of a strong and powerful man’s influence, a man who presents you with an ultimatum and you have nothing to do but consent to it.
A smart and very unpleasant mindset can easily project a number of reasons which can drive your guilt, shame, and fear towards consenting to have sex with them. How so?
Let me share with you a few stories that a couple of my friends had to live through.

Photo by Prewett on Unsplash

The Person Who Will Guilt You

For some people sex is politics. If a man feel he isn’t performing well in bed, then more often than not, he will throw the blame on the woman. “You’re not trying hard enough”, “You’re not good enough”, and a constant flow of self-doubt being projected onto the female partner. This leads to an overwhelming feeling of guilt on the woman’s part, and she then feels that she is obliged to go out of her way in bed just to compensate for what the man had thrown on her.

The Person Who Will Blackmail You

My college friend, Allison (I changed her name to maintain anonymity) had a meeting with her Psychology professor to discuss a long paper he had assigned her class. It was evening, and she told me that half-way through their private conference, he got up to close the door with the excuse that he “couldn’t concentrate”.

“As he was passing from behind me to get back to his seat, he placed a hand on my back,” she said. Allison told me how terrified she was that he approached her like that, he later told held her hand and placed it on his thighs. “I stood up in terror and told him I have to leave. I couldn’t shout, I couldn’t scream because I knew who he was, he wasn’t a stranger.” This isn’t the whole story, before Allison could leave the office, he told her that if she told anyone else, he will fail her in his class.

Allison was a graduating senior at the time, she couldn’t afford failing a class. In her situation, the threat of blackmail was aimed at her unravelling the truth about him. However, you hear other cases where women in their workplace have been blackmailed to actually perform sexual acts for their bosses under the threat of losing their jobs.

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

The Person Who Will Shame You

When I was still a teenager, I remember one of my friends came to me asking for advice because her boyfriend was nagging her to have sex with him and she just didn’t want to. My friend was complaining about how she doesn’t want to come off as a “prude” in front of him and how he might leave her unless she starts having sex with him. Which brings us to the person who will shame you. More often than not, girls in early relationships can be shame by their partner for not performing certain sexual acts that their partner asks of them, and so the partner attempts using emotional blackmail as a tactic.
Maybe consciously, maybe subconsciously, but the tactic is used, and its repercussions occur.

Some of us just do not feel comfortable performing oral sex, and some of us just don’t feel like having sex with their partner until the relationship reaches a more serious phase. If your partner doesn’t understand that, then you should reconsider your relationship.

Sex is a very sensitive and complex subject and act, and it needs to be shared between two individuals who completely and fully trust each other, both consenting out of sheer desire, approval, and agreement between one another. The only piece of advice that can be given here is that if you feel that you are put in a situation that you do not want to be in, the leave.

If you have something to lose, speak out. If you have someone to lose, don’t even think twice, and let them leave.

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Stop Having Sex Out of Guilt and Shame

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